I also found mood stabilizers and anti depressants turned me into a shell of a person. I also felt as if I was walking in a cotton filled world , where I was unable to fully manifest my emotions and feelings. I am only speaking from my own personal experience , and understand that we are all different , our reactions to meds , as a result of our physiological and emotional make up can be vastly different,. Throw in our past experiences and it makes each of our cases truly unique.

I suffered from several types of imbalances for years , I had trouble sleeping as a result of anxiety, my moods would cycle several to a dozen times a day beyond my control, I was so unable to control my emotions and there were many days I was unable to function in the world , much less even go out my front door. I won't go into the details of my past , as it will get long winded , but I also was a victim of significant physical and mental abuse as a child , and my choices in partners often reflected that sort of broken and dysfunctional understanding on what love was , or meant , and how much of myself I was truly expected to give to my partner.

With that being said , I often found that if the side effects of medication, outweighed the positive results of why I was taking them, it was time to start examining what the next step in my own healing process was. I am not suggesting stop taking them, but perhaps examine a lower dosage and if that is not an option then a different time of day to take it . At one point when I had strong reactions to a certain mood stabilizing medication, I asked my doctor if it was ok to half my dosage , and take it twice a day to lessen its side effects , but still taking the equal amount in a 24 hour period. For example instead of 100 Mgs once a day , taking 50 mgs once in the morning and once in the evening. This particularly helped me when I was in Film school , to lessen the drowsiness and lack of alertness that was hindering my studies.

Medication , in my opinion is not a permanent solution for emotional pain , it is a temporary aid , that helps us get back on our feet , and function so we can take the steps towards healing ourselves. True healing comes from , or at least came for me , with actually working through what caused me to hurt in the first place , changing how I viewed myself , letting go of my own shame and guilty feelings , and in the long run forgiving those that had hurt me , which was incredibly difficult. I know this is easier said than done , and I worked for years to achieve this , and it was a tough path filled with obstacles and trials , but looking back , from the other side, from the place I am today in my life , I can say it was worth it.

We often choose our friends and our partners poorly , as a direct result of how we feel about ourselves, we seek out like minded people , thinking that together , with the knowledge of our pain , as a result of shared life experiences , we can help each other heal, and in doing so create a safe perfect environment. This unfortunately often fails and we are left devastated as a result . It is important to examine also , the circles that we move in, the reason we choose partners instead of taking time to be alone and becoming comfortable with ourselves. You seem like a good beautiful person , you are obviously smarter than most , as you continue your studies , I urge you to look at the positive things you have , there is a possibility for a better tomorrow, a stable tomorrow , where you can find yourself surrounded by the right people , sharing your life with the right person you are meant to be with , and the overwhelming weight of the pain you now feel will be gone .

I am saying these things as a result of my personal life experiences , and the reflections of my past i see in your words . I am in no way a doctor , or even a healer , but just another person who has been through similar struggle, and can only assure that there is a community of us here , that can listen, can give our opinions , and whom you can turn to in order to talk, without being judged.